An article awaiting review for a magazine

When I was young and carefree I loved books, I could get lost in reading and writing. It was my biggest passion.

This passion has remained in my life ever since, but I had a problem. A very bad problem.

I suffered with really low self esteem. I believe it was this self esteem that led me from occasional use of cocaine, to daily. The insane thing is, that use of cocaine did absolutely nothing to assist my self esteem. In fact it was to make it a whole lot worse. I've heard it said in meetings, that addiction wants you to lose everything in your life and then take your life away. I nearly ended my life. So in effect, my self esteem was so low, and my hope of recovery at the time was so absent, that I wanted to die.

During my addiction, I wrote. Although reading was almost impossible as my attention span whilst using was absolute zero. 

The things I wrote were as morbid as my outlook on life. And the stories and poems I wrote were not for the purpose of therapy or enjoyment, it was because I was motivated by money. However I would never show anyone my work, because my self esteem was that low that I knew I wasn't good enough. So my ego would tell me I am going to be like the writers I admire, yet my self esteem wouldn't even allow me to show anyone. That kind of internal conflict used to drive me insane, and continue me using, and using, and using.

So last year, I went to rehab and I battled my demons. I done a lot of work on my self esteem. After rehab I got engaged with the 12 step program, I'm clean and serene.

My self esteem is now at a fluctuating level of acceptable, good and superb. And through the 12 steps I've developed a lot of acceptance about who I am, and what I suffer with. But I still had this desire to read and write.

I am no longer plagued with delusions of grandeur. My ego has been smashed. I am a humble and appreciative of what I have in life. I have working eyes and the use of my hands, I was blessed with an illness of the mind not body. An illness that can be cured.

I decided to write again. 

I started a blog, I bought 70 books and I signed up to twitter. 

I decided I don't have to be the next Bob Dylan, there is already one. I decided I don't have to be the next John Lennon, there is already one, I decided I don't want to be the next Pete Townshend.....you see where I'm going.

I decided to be me (after all, there is only one of me), and do something within my capabilities which in turn satisfies the hunger inside of me, so I simply decided to read lots, and review what I read. 

Simple, but I can assure you it's so far been very very effective.

Thanks for letting me share my story.